It is the year 2010.
Through countless hours of lethargy, glee, frustration, obsession, maschocism, agony, bliss, merlot, frozen pizzas, wrath, mirth, and just plain boredom, I, Kevin Wolf have beaten 100 Nintendo Games.
From my first vegetable thrown victory over Wart in Super Mario Bros. 2 at the age of 7…or was it 8?I should ask Ryan what grade I was in when we got the Nintendo…
….to yesterday, July 27th, where I strategically mashed buttons to destroy the hellish maw of GoraGora in the Magic of Scheherazade.
Yes, 8-bit supremacy is mine.
And now that you are reading this list, sitting in awe and majesty of the thumb wielding powers I command, I’m going to share the wisdom/utter stupidity my god how could I waste so much fucking time I could be fluent in a dozen languages or retired or have cured cancer what the hell have I been thinking all these years can’t I recognize a simple negative behavior pattern and amend my lifestyle accordingly so that everyone can breath in the experience and benefit from my labors.
But before I begin writing about the games, I need to address a question that often develops in conversations over gaming victory.
What does it mean to really beat a game?
Do you just have to beat the final boss or the last level? Do you have to play through every level or can you warp ahead? Is using an emulator cheating? A game-genie? In-game codes and glitches? Walkthroughs? FAQS? Youtube videos where some Japanese kid beats every boss without taking a hit? Watching friends play? Scientology? Nintendo Power? If the game loops over at the end (like many NES games tend to do) do you have to play through the game twice to beat the game? What’s fair and what’s not?
Well I thought it over and consulted with myself, and couldn’t decide. Then I made the mistake of talking to other people. Turns out just about every gamer has their own idea of what constitutes true gaming victory and what corruptions present a flawed spectacle. As the variables and number of interviewed gamers grew, the list of potential standards increased exponentially. So in the in the interests of time and getting down to business, I decided to cast my lot somewheres in the murky gray middle, between the retro-perfection-purists and the anything-goes-save-staters, I landed my Nintendo morality on:
The Common Gamer’s Guide to Nintendo Victory
(if you aren’t a moral gamer, just skip ahead to the first review)
In order to beat any given Nintendo game, all of the following conditions must be met, preferably with a snack and/or drink.
Gameplay
I. The game should be completed to its logical conclusion i.e., beat the final boss, complete the final stage, win the World Series, or whatever it takes to get the end credits.
II. In shorter, arcade style games that loop gameplay, and thus lack a definitive ending, the player should possess the ability to play through the looped game multiple times in order to display mastery over the game’s formula, such that they are able to play indefinitely. The number of times necessary to show mastery should be based on the length and difficulty of the game. For example:
-Galaga has 30 levels. It’s moderately hard. I declared victory after looping through 3 times.
-Donkey Kong Jr. has 4 levels. It’s fairly easy. I declared victory after looping through 8 times.
-Tiger-Heli has one reaaaally long level with many subsections. It was my first Nintendo game. I played it to death. I declared post-childhood victory after realizing I probably looped through over 20 times searching for the non-existent final boss as a kid.
-In debatable situations, use your best judgment. Or loop through another 5 times. Prove your mastery beyond a doubt.
III. In looping games that require multiple play-throughs to attain the best ending, (Bubble Bobble, Ghosts N Goblins) you are required to play through to the best ending to declare victory. In games that just get progressively harder with each loop (Super Mario Bros., Castlevania, Contra) and offer no variable ending, once is enough.
IV. In sports games, just win the World Series or pennant or Stanley Cup or Nike Endorsement. I don’t know. Just be really good at it. Be able to beat the computer all the time and your friends most of the time. For example:
-Ice Hockey: I always beat the computer, and usually place first or second amongst my cousins in the annual Christmas Eve tournament. And that’s only because Aunt Sue makes bitchin Nog
RBI Baseball: I frigkin rule at this game! I destroy everyone with the 1987 Cardinals Lineup! I destroy the Computer playing as the American League All-Stars! I can beat your mother to death with John Kruk’s limp penis using this game! Die!!! FAHHHH!!!!
Restrictions
I. No Game Genie. Not until you play through normally.
II. Emulators are allowed, but absolutely no save states, code hacking, game genie, or other malicious foul play. At least not until you play through normally. Treat it as an alternate console for rare games.
III. In-game codes and glitches are allowed within reason. If a code lets you have infinite lives or permanent invincibility, that is muy bad.
If a code gives you a continue or password option where one did not previously exist, that is muy awesome. Others are kind of in the gray area. Infinite ammo. Free power-ups. And extra lives codes. Some might give you 5 extra lives, and some may give you 20, like the Konami code. I personally have abstained from Konami-coding and other power-uping codes in general, but this is such a hotly debated item that I will end with a simple ‘to each their own.
IV. Walkthroughs/FAQS/Instructional Videos/Friends/Nintendo Power are allowed within reason. The general consensus is this: given the confusing and oftentimes highly difficult nature of the beast that is original Nintendo games, you are going to get stuck. A lot. This blockade to victory may be in the form of an annoying boss, a difficult maze, or moving platforms. Yet beyond these challenging, palatable situations lies the scenario of the —need to finish—-change with III
Other
I. But seriously folks, Contra is not that hard. You don’t need the damn Konami code. Just get spread plus rapid, pay attention to the enemy patterns and dodge accordingly. If you die, play conservatively until the next spread gun. And if I see another ass-clown wearing a T-shirt or hat with the Konami code on it I’m going to stuff the thing down their goddam throat. And stop quoting it in nerd pop-culture like it’s this amazing geek mantra that connects us all. God. If you want a nerdy mantra that connects gamers, try ‘Pay attention to the enemy patterns and dodge accordingly.’ That is Bible right there, and has won more games than the Konami code ever will. Come on people. You don’t need 20 extra guys! Have some dignity, for fucksake! Damn!!
(walks away sobbing because he has never successfully entered the Konami code)
II. With the exception of Rule I in the ‘Other’ section, which is absolute, all of these rules are completely arbitrary, debatable, and highly subjective. They serve as a frame of reference for documenting my gaming progress from over the years. Use it as gospel or don’t. Or buy it and pay me with money, the one true gospel.
Ok. Now that gaming morality has been established I will proceed to share the magic of my victory experiences. Please keep in mind that this not a ‘Top 100’, ‘Worst 100’, or ‘Most Difficult 100’ list. It’s just the first 100 games that I’ve beaten, and my thoughts about them.
-8 EYES
Despite some proported post-apocalyptic backstory involving magic gems rising from the center of nuclear blasts, this game is essentially a mediocre Castlevania clone. As Orin the falconeer, you fight through eight side-scrolling levels with your falcon buddy Curtis who can swoop down and peck at skeletons, bats, and racial stereotypes. Both Orin and Curtis handle very awkwardly. They make Simon ‘stair clutz suicide’ Belmont seem like a ballerina. Upon receiving this game as a birthday gift in highschool (thanks Andrew) I forced myself to play through the repetitive levels and stiff controls, only to get stuck at the Italian boss and his blue panther accomplice. For many years I set it aside thinking the Italian/panther combo invincible. How could Orin, armed with a crappy short sword and a retarded falcon beat the Italian version of Gambit? He wields deadly long-range playing cards backed up by a blue panther that jumps the length of the screen. Orin can either send Curtis flying down to certain doom, or jump down himself and engage in a losing melee duel. Well, years later I attempted 8 Eyes again, and this time I found an invincibility potion in the boss room while slashing at the vicious blue panther. Even being invincible for a solid 6-8 seconds, I barely eked out a victory over Italian Gambit. Then I went to the final level called ‘House of Ruth’ and fought all the bosses again, including Italian Gambit, and some sissy final boss who I guess was Ruth. All in all, I really hate that fucking Italian, but I kind of liked his super-powered blue panther friend, even when he was ripping me to shreds.
